…Or why I hate Match.com.
Ok, I know I will never be Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum, but then I was not looking for Richard Gere or Brad Pitt…maybe Johnny Depp but I digress…
When I was newly single I decided to try online dating. I saw all the lovely couples on eHarmony and Match.com going out for dinner, having fun at Six Flags and attending wine tastings. Having been dumped is pretty deflating to one’s ego so I thought I would stick my toe in and test the waters; after all my friends told me there are “plenty of fish in the sea”. I took eHarmony’s online test but I think it was too soon after the break-up. My results said I had an “over-developed sense of loyalty”, and took “fairness” to an extreme! Ok yeah, ex’s shouldn’t be drawn and quartered-I get that…now. They recommended that I perhaps wait; I did. But then I put my pic on Match.com to see what fish were in that ocean. Oh my!
First off, I tend to be pretty honest so I didn’t go for “beauty shots” at the local Olan Mills, just tried to take an accurate picture. As I said I don’t look like Cindy Crawford but neither do I look like Mrs. Doubtfire. Plus people have told me I don’t look my age, it’s true but that is mostly because I don’t act it. So I was honest and put my own age out there…well I shaved off 2 years…not so bad. So once I got a few photos that were reasonably representative it was time to write my profile. Oh Gawd, what a joke! Well, again you are supposed to be honest, but I did look to see what some of the guys were looking for, and that was all over the place. So again I was honest. I have a tattoo, but you can’t see it, so I decided that was for further disclosure. I do ride my own Harley but am definitely not a “biker chick”….as I love the opera, and live theater. I like a lot of different things and it is hard to pin it down into one category. So anyway I put all this into my dating resume` and eventually picked a few…ahem…winners.
I met a couple
clowns, uh gentlemen, and if they were an accurate sampling of the “fish” that were available, I am swearing off seafood. The first one did nothing but talk about how great he was and ask me if I thought he was everything I hoped for, thank goodness I drove myself to the rendezvous point, so I could get out without my head exploding. The second “date” was for drinks at a local casual restaurant where my date declined to order anything for himself, except a water. I decided to go with coffee rightly figuring I needed to stay alert for this one. The evening drug on for about an hour and a half, while I tried to keep a normal conversation going, and the waitress hovering round asking if we wanted to order a meal. Finally feeling bad for her and realizing that this person had all the personality of a nine iron (he showed up still dressed from his earlier golf outing BTW) I said I thought we should call it an evening. He agreed and got up to leave when the waitress put the bill for my coffee on the table. I certainly didn’t mind paying for my coffee but when I came back from the cashiers to leave a tip for the waitress he got all blustery! He actually had the nerve to call into question why I was leaving a tip for this waitress; never mind we took up her table and didn’t order food. As he stood glowering in the doorway I left a tip and joined him outside. The last thing he said was “Well, I guess we won’t be going on a second date.” Huh! Yah think…? Resisting the urge to tell him what to do with said nine iron I simply turned and walked away.
So back to the drawing board to see what other
jerks prospects were available. What came up was the usual assortment of broken down old men looking for someone to do all the things the ex-wife did before she got fed up and left. Then the profile to end all came up and it was at that moment I decided my chances in the local supermarket were better than online. Why the computer matched me with this person I will never know, nothing in my profile would indicate that I had the slightest interest in this…but there it was nonetheless. The picture showed a man approximately my age, fetchingly dressed in a lovely floral frock, blonde wig, and assortment of jewelry accessories. The computer had freakin’ matched me to Norman Bates! Fascinated the way a snake is with a mongoose I continued to read his profile, wherein he stated that he was looking for the perfect woman to help him with his interest in women’s clothing, and to help with style tips! And no this man was not Dustin Hoffman researching another Tootsie role (pun intended). Now if that is your thing…go for it. But what I didn’t understand was how that got matched to me…did my picture have “secretly wants to share clothes with man” written all over it? So it was at that point I decided a cat, a bubble bath, and a hobby were not all that bad. At least I didn’t need to share my shower cap!
*If you are without a sense of humor, or were one of my “dates” get over it and watch Full Metal Jacket or something equally macho.