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The Dating Game

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…Or why I hate Match.com.

Ok, I know I will never be Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum, but then I was not looking for Richard Gere or Brad Pitt…maybe  Johnny Depp but I digress…

When I was newly single I decided to try online dating.  I saw all the lovely couples on eHarmony and Match.com going out for dinner, having fun at Six Flags and  attending wine tastings.  Having been dumped is pretty deflating to one’s ego so I thought I would stick my toe in and test the waters; after all my friends told me there are “plenty of fish in the sea”.  I took eHarmony’s online test but I think it was too soon after the break-up. My results said I had an “over-developed sense of loyalty”, and took “fairness” to an extreme! Ok yeah, ex’s shouldn’t be drawn and quartered-I get that…now. They recommended that I perhaps wait; I did.  But then I put my pic on Match.com to see what fish were in that ocean.  Oh my!

First off, I tend to be pretty honest so I didn’t go for “beauty shots” at the local Olan Mills, just tried to take an accurate picture.  As I said I don’t look like Cindy Crawford but neither do I look like Mrs. Doubtfire. Plus people have told me I don’t look my age, it’s true but that is mostly because I don’t act it. So I was honest and put my own age out there…well I shaved off 2 years…not so bad.  So once I got a few photos that were reasonably representative it was time to write my profile.  Oh Gawd, what a joke!  Well, again you are supposed to be honest, but I did look to see what some of the guys were looking for, and that was all over the place.  So again I was honest.  I have a tattoo, but you can’t see it, so I decided that was for further disclosure. I do ride my own Harley but am definitely not a “biker chick”….as I love the opera, and live theater. I like a lot of different things and it is hard to pin it down into one category.  So anyway I put all this into my dating resume` and eventually picked a few…ahem…winners.

I met a couple clowns, uh gentlemen, and if they were an accurate sampling of the “fish” that were available, I am swearing off seafood.  The first one did nothing but talk about how great he was and ask me if I thought he was everything I hoped for, thank goodness I drove myself to the rendezvous point, so I could get out without my head exploding.  The second “date” was for drinks at a local casual restaurant where my date declined to order anything for himself, except a water. I decided to go with coffee rightly figuring I needed to stay alert for this one.  The evening drug on for about an hour and a half, while I tried to keep a normal conversation going, and the waitress hovering round asking if we wanted to order a meal.  Finally feeling bad for her and realizing that this person had all the personality of a nine iron (he showed up still dressed from his earlier golf outing BTW) I said I thought we should call it an evening.  He agreed and got up to leave when the waitress put the bill for my coffee on the table.  I certainly didn’t mind paying for my coffee but when I came back from the cashiers to leave a tip for the waitress he got all blustery!  He actually had the nerve to call into question why I was leaving a tip for this waitress; never mind we took up her table and didn’t order food.  As he stood glowering in the doorway I left a tip and joined him outside.  The last thing he said was “Well, I guess we won’t be going on a second date.”  Huh! Yah think…?  Resisting the urge to tell him what to do with said nine iron I simply turned and walked away.

So back to the drawing board to see what other jerks prospects were available.  What came up was the usual assortment of broken down old men looking for someone to do all the things the ex-wife did before she got fed up and left.  Then the profile to end all came up and it was at that moment I decided my chances in the local supermarket were better than online.  Why the computer matched me with this person I will never know, nothing in my profile would indicate that I had the slightest interest in this…but there it was nonetheless.  The picture showed a man approximately my age, fetchingly dressed in a lovely floral frock, blonde wig, and assortment of jewelry accessories.  The computer had freakin’ matched me to Norman Bates!  Fascinated the way a snake is with a mongoose I continued to read his profile, wherein he stated that he was looking for the perfect woman to help him with his interest in women’s clothing, and to help with style tips!  And no this man was not Dustin Hoffman researching another Tootsie role (pun intended).  Now if that is your thing…go for it. But what I didn’t understand was how that got matched to me…did my picture have “secretly wants to share clothes with man” written all over it?  So it was at that point I decided a cat, a bubble bath, and a hobby were not all that bad.  At least I didn’t need to share my shower cap!

*If you are without a sense of humor, or were one of my “dates” get over it and watch Full Metal Jacket or something equally macho.

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Author: K.L.Richardson

As a child I loved fantasy play, reading about and creating a world that was eons away from the present. for a brief time as an adult I had to "grow up" and attend to duties as a wife and mother. Now the children are grown, the husband gone and it is time for me. I have once again entered that fantasy world to write and create for myself and others if they choose to partake of the fantasy.

9 thoughts on “The Dating Game

  1. I just found this via Jewel. I love your comment about swearing off seafood with these fish. So how is it going two years later? Have you had fish again ever??

  2. Oh my goodness. These are TAME when matched against the crazy I encountered. These guys were rude and ridiculous but mine were dangerous and psychotic. I think I took my “be open to all possibilities” and “Don’t say no” motto WAY too seriously. Not smart. I’m so scared to try it again but I’ve actually been considering it. Ugh…we’ll see. Thanks for your awesome comment at my place today.

  3. I’m glad I’m not the only “middle aged” woman who has given up online dating. You did better than me, I never even made to the date; I couldn’ t find one I actually wanted to meet.

    I keep wondering. If these guys were always this way and I’ve become less tolerant, or are they all going senile. I am curious too about why they all must state they like sex, are good at sex, need sex, expect sex and want a woman who wants sex and if we didn’t catch their point their handle has a sexual overtone or blatantly screams Sex.

    I have never once met a guy in person and had the first thing we discuss be how much or what kind of sex we want, plus I’ve always found that the men who talk about it a lot aren’t that good at it.

    Good post.

  4. I’ll be laughing all day! Love your sense of humor.

  5. I am glad you can laugh through it all. I think I’d have to swear off “men” completely…

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